We were now up to Day 3 of our Level 2 course – so far I was not impressed. I was still hoping for a change.
We were in the classroom – and in the lesson it came up about tears – Kert said I looked much better and that tears are not necessary and just suck the energy out of you. There was a discussion – and I said – but isn’t it just that guys are uncomfortable with tears?
Well – no! The look on his face – I thought he was going to have a stroke!
Kert said if anyone in his house cries like that, they have to leave – but of course he isn’t that tough on his students!
He was angry again….. Psycho Kert was back…
He told me that I had “lost my energy” the day before with the tears – that I could have just approached him about it – or I could have thought about it and talked to the others about it first!! I tried to say – “but didn’t you say we should speak our minds?” – I was howled down.
He said something else and I started to cry again (as you do!).
Then he said to the group – “Look – even someone as ‘sensible’ as Heather has all this shit inside!” He then said I needed to overcome this – especially for my sister (which made me cry more!)
There was no room for rational conversation – like tears are an emotional release! I felt sorry for the women in his house!
We were then going to the arena after that and I was a mess! Some of us talked together – to console me – I knew I had to stop crying – I nearly went home instead – but I managed to gather myself together and go to the arena.
The focus for the rest of the day was on the one year students working with some of the horses. I was very happy to be out of the firing line. Some of these students had already started to have ‘public therapy sessions’. This was supposedly to shape them into the person they would need to be if they were going to work with horses.
Wow! This whole horse journey had become very complex!
I knew that my head was getting seriously “ messed up” . I felt vulnerable as I was dealing with my emotions regarding my sister – and also with Kert’s now negative energy towards me. I knew I would be ‘punished’ for speaking up! I was teary and homesick.
I was also confused – and on top of all that – I was still expecting to work with horses! The carrot was still there! Dangling in front of me! So in my mind I had to always look at the positive side and get what I could out of the teaching.
But quietly – at night – I started to research…….
COMING UP – THE HORSES ARE RESTLESS!
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