Part 52 – Confusion, Dinner – and a Work in Progress

I had come away from our meeting more confused than ever.  Was I missing something?  What were others thinking about the whole thing?  Was I the only ‘normal’ one?  Or was I the only ‘mad’ one?

The ten staying for the year were not going to enter into the debate – and the others doing Level 3 wanted to focus on the work with horses.  Fair enough…..

I did need someone to talk to and Patty certainly heard my story over and over.  She was feeling better that Kert had apologised to her about his ‘joke’ – but I did not get the same treatment from him.  I knew from earlier experience, watching others be the subject of his anger, that I would also rather stay out of the detail of the debate and focus on the horses.  If I kept carrying on I would be spoiling the time for everyone.

As I said previously, I had never met anyone like Kert.  He is incredibly charismatic and so very sure of himself – it’s hard not to believe him.  He is very definite when he talks and is clever with words.  And he is very charming!

Surprisingly Patty and I and another friend were invited to his house for dinner.  He was so very generous with food and wine and a great conversationalist.  It was an enjoyable and entertaining night and these moments are what kept me in a state of confusion.

I would think about things and I very much doubted myself.  I started to think about all he had said – maybe my horses were in poor condition and I had set up an idea about  Ducati that was an illusion – maybe he was a poorly bred average horse.  Maybe the animal communication I had done for all those years was all wrong.

Maybe I lived in brown world chaos and confusion!!

I felt like I had been split into two and I didn’t know which part of me to listen to.

I remembered Kert saying  “Also – you should never defend yourself.  Just say – “I’m a work in progress”.  Opt out of the conversation.” Refer to Part 46 – The Numbness – Entering a Zombie World  where he discusses how to ‘remove’ the black part.

I thought maybe I should just opt to be a work in progress – not try to defend myself.  That way I wouldn’t get myself into any more trouble.  I could just glide along out of harm’s way.  Maybe I shouldn’t research online any more – just accept Kert’s teachings and not constantly analyse things.

It would make life much easier for me and I would stay out of trouble.  Who knows – the ‘black part’ might disappear and I will be in total harmony with the horse!!!!  I was believing that Kert was right about me ‘talking’ to horses.  After all – if I ‘talk’ to them – why would I need to learn anything about training them????  I didn’t dare look at a photo of Ducati.

I was writing a newsletter for past and present attendees about the courses.  I had been excited to write these.  Now I was starting to feel like it was a chore.  The newsletters were very positive  and avoided what was going on in my mind!!  If only I could write about how I really felt!!

If  I had to sum up in one word how I felt, it would be “isolated”.  I not only felt isolated from the group – I felt isolated from my true being – my soul…. I was adrift in the wilderness – a work in progress!!!




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