I had come away from our meeting more confused than ever. Was I missing something? What were others thinking about the whole thing? Was I the only ‘normal’ one? Or was I the only ‘mad’ one?
The ten staying for the year were not going to enter into the debate – and the others doing Level 3 wanted to focus on the work with horses. Fair enough…..
I did need someone to talk to and Patty certainly heard my story over and over. She was feeling better that Kert had apologised to her about his ‘joke’ – but I did not get the same treatment from him. I knew from earlier experience, watching others be the subject of his anger, that I would also rather stay out of the detail of the debate and focus on the horses. If I kept carrying on I would be spoiling the time for everyone.
As I said previously, I had never met anyone like Kert. He is incredibly charismatic and so very sure of himself – it’s hard not to believe him. He is very definite when he talks and is clever with words. And he is very charming!
Surprisingly Patty and I and another friend were invited to his house for dinner. He was so very generous with food and wine and a great conversationalist. It was an enjoyable and entertaining night and these moments are what kept me in a state of confusion.
I would think about things and I very much doubted myself. I started to think about all he had said – maybe my horses were in poor condition and I had set up an idea about Ducati that was an illusion – maybe he was a poorly bred average horse. Maybe the animal communication I had done for all those years was all wrong.
Maybe I lived in brown world chaos and confusion!!
I felt like I had been split into two and I didn’t know which part of me to listen to.
I remembered Kert saying “Also – you should never defend yourself. Just say – “I’m a work in progress”. Opt out of the conversation.” Refer to Part 46 – The Numbness – Entering a Zombie World where he discusses how to ‘remove’ the black part.
I thought maybe I should just opt to be a work in progress – not try to defend myself. That way I wouldn’t get myself into any more trouble. I could just glide along out of harm’s way. Maybe I shouldn’t research online any more – just accept Kert’s teachings and not constantly analyse things.
It would make life much easier for me and I would stay out of trouble. Who knows – the ‘black part’ might disappear and I will be in total harmony with the horse!!!! I was believing that Kert was right about me ‘talking’ to horses. After all – if I ‘talk’ to them – why would I need to learn anything about training them???? I didn’t dare look at a photo of Ducati.
I was writing a newsletter for past and present attendees about the courses. I had been excited to write these. Now I was starting to feel like it was a chore. The newsletters were very positive and avoided what was going on in my mind!! If only I could write about how I really felt!!
If I had to sum up in one word how I felt, it would be “isolated”. I not only felt isolated from the group – I felt isolated from my true being – my soul…. I was adrift in the wilderness – a work in progress!!!
COMING UP – DUCATI CALLING!
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