When I came home I did go through a grieving process. I didn’t recognise it as that at first – but that is what it was.
First was denial – as in the process of Ducati’s health check. Surely Kert was right – he had been so definite! I realised I believed everything he said – while another part of me was saying ‘You know he isn’t right’. I likened it to being told there is no Santa. I remember when I was told that as a child, I just didn’t believe it. And my story re wishing for a white pony – I was devastated it wasn’t in the garden when I got home! Here is the story of the white pony – Part 24 – Searching for the Horse Master
I went through sadness and disillusionment – I had thought Kert and I were friends initially – but I was hurt by what had happened. At first he was so pleasant to me – I realise now this is ‘grooming’ – perhaps he thought I was wealthy – or he had already decided I could do promotional work for him such as the website. I think I also grieved for the horse master who wasn’t really the horse master.
Next came anger…… I received the bill for the legal work of ‘the contract’ just before Xmas – and wow! – I was furious. I had tried several times to pull out of the website project. It was Kert’s idea – not mine! Not only had I been conned – I had been verbally abused in front of the group about it!
I was angry at myself as well – for falling for the whole thing. I went over and over it – the alarm bells had been ringing before my third visit – why didn’t I listen? I ranted – and finally I had the courage to tell someone the whole story of what had happened.
I emailed friend Vicki – and told her the detail. It was good to get it out. I had realised I was so ashamed that I had been treated like that. Vicki and Andrew had moved to the other side of the world – with their horse – to attend the one year course with Kert. Please refer to Part 35 – Alarm Bells!!
I knew Vicki would understand as she had been through a similar process after having the ‘rules to enter Kert’s course’ changed several times.
This ‘stage’ lasted for a long time!! Really it was anger mixed with confusion. I’m very much the sort of person who needs to go over and over things to get it straight in my mind. It’s the best way for me to deal with something – it requires careful analysis and then I can put it aside. I have been told I’m like a ‘dog with a bone’!
Now such was the influence of Kert, this bone was a big one, required much chewing, and even when I thought it was buried, it would sometimes resurface!
I’ve been asked were there any positives – yes!!!!! I will write more about that – but at present, I will go through the stages as they happened!
COMING UP – CHEWING THE BONE…
IF YOU ARE NEW TO THIS STORY, PLEASE START AT THE BEGINNING HERE – Part 1 – An Introduction
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2 thoughts on “Part 63 – The Stages of Grieving”
Nice blog thaanks for posting
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