So far in this series, I have talked about making the decision. I have also discussed communicating with the horses. Additionally, I have started preparation to help Magnum.
But I want to pause the training talk now to talk about how all this is affecting me mentally. I hope that it helps others in a similar situation.
The time span from making the decision until the day they are laid to rest will total about 6 weeks. I need time to train Magnum. I also had to fit in with Oliver’s busy schedule. Therefore, the most suitable time is mid November.
I have a lot of time to ponder, to worry, to doubt, to feel sad, guilty, and nervous – and even relieved. There have been moments when I wanted reassurance – I wake at 3 am wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Am I imagining it all? Is there nothing wrong with them? Maybe I should wait.
I eventually fall asleep again. In the morning, I know I have made the right decision. Yet, I play this scene over and over again.
And when I stand observing them while they eat, the time feels right. It’s like this whole chapter in my life is melting away into the past. I don’t know how else to describe it. It feels beyond me. The universe is in charge and this is what is happening. At times I feel like I’m watching a play – that I’m just on the sidelines watching it all unfold.
And sometimes I feel like I can hardly see the horses. It’s just like the Cinderella story. The coach and footmen appear for an allotted time, and then they are gone. At times they look smaller – as if they are about to take on a different shape.
I did some filming the other morning – just talking about the passing of time and how things change. Here it is:
Tomorrow my final horse feed order arrives – and I have had my final farrier visit. All these things that are taken for granted are coming to an end. My horse lifestyle is ending.
Change is uncomfortable, messy, sad, scary – and inevitable. I have been walking around feeling incredibly heavy – the burden of responsibility is almost too much.
But no matter how I feel, I will not let my horses suffer. It’s not about me. It’s about giving them a peaceful death – they deserve no less.
So I will continue on. In the next post, I will discuss changing the temporary yard in the paddock to metal panels. I will also cover how Magnum has coped with the change. In the meantime, I will no doubt continue with all the revolving thoughts in my head.
IF YOU ARE NEW TO THIS STORY, PLEASE START AT THE BEGINNING HERE – Part 1 – An Introduction
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