7. A Good Death – Are We Ready?

It’s now less than a week away until I say goodbye to the horses.

Is Magnum ready?

Have I done enough to prepare him?

I can drive the car across the paddock now and he is comfortable with that. He now happily goes into the yard in the paddock. I can halter him there – and I can also give him a needle…..

but….

I then asked Doug to help out. I wanted him to come into the pen. It all seemed ok – but…..

When I entered after that exercise his adrenaline was up. It was harder to halter him and give him a needle. I realised I ‘lumped’ the experience of Doug in the yard. I left it for too long and I also walked out of the yard while Doug was still in there.

It’s so easy to ‘lump’ rather than ‘split’. I think we get excited and think we can add more. In hindsight I should have asked Doug to enter the pen, give Magnum some carrots – and then leave.

Now I will work on undoing some of that.

I have four more days now…. four more days to share with them. I’m thankful, but also the wait is excruciating.

Apart from the inevitable sadness, I worry about Magnum’s reaction – will he accept the sedation? Will he let Oliver near him? Have I thought of everything?

And what have I learnt during this experience?

I know now that I’m doing the right thing. Where I had doubts early on, I no longer have them. I’ve watched them, in particular Magnum, and I know I’m doing this just in time, before he falls over and cannot get up.

I also look at his hooves – once upon a time I was able to keep them in perfect condition after his early years of untouched hooves. Now they are reverting back to those untouched hooves of the early days. I will be avoiding future painful hoof abscesses.

I also look at his skin condition. Again I’m avoiding summers in particular where his legs and body drive him crazy.

And what about Ducati? Does he have the raw end of the deal in this? I thought so early on in the process. But now I look at his eyes, and while they are bright – I can also see the toll the ageing process is taking on him.

I look at the photo above. It was a hot day and he seemed extra hot. Like us as we age, their bodies don’t regulate temperature as well as they did. I’ve had time to really observe these things. And I think about what he said to me – it’s time for all of us to move on. We’ve all had a great time together but now we must move on to the next adventure.

And how am I dealing with it? Well as can be expected, there is much anxiety and sadness. The worst thing is that most mornings I feel like I’m walking through a swamp of sadness. I’m incredibly tired and I’m struggling to do anything much. I feel lazy and my brain is foggy.

I’m now wanting the day to come so I can be put out of this misery. At the same time I’m not wanting the day to arrive.

So, what advice can I give?

Well, for one, I don’t recommend such a long lead in time, but it has been necessary to prepare Magnum. Once you have made your decision, stick with it. You are right the first time – do not doubt. Really think about the horses you have. Are your oldies really okay just in the paddock or are they suffering in silence. And talk to your vet and farrier. People who see many horses each day will observe your own horse better than yourself.

But remember at the end of the day, it is up to you to make that decision.

I will leave you with some photos of Emma saying goodbye to her horses. These were the two horses she found all those years ago. I asked her what it was that drew her to these two. Magnum was at the Grafton sale, headed for the doggers and Ducati was at the Grafton Performance Horse sale – both sales had hundreds of horses passing through. It’s also interesting to note that the performance horse sale ceased after a few years as all the horses coming through had injuries – and of course we discovered Ducati’s injury quite a few years ago.

Emma said, apart from Magnum’s beautiful appearance, she felt an incredible sadness in him. She could see it in his eyes and wanted to help him. With Ducati, she loved how friendly he was, but once again it was his eyes – they were full of ‘knowing’. And I did find out that indeed Ducati was so full of ‘knowing’!

I will be back for a follow up post after the event. I hope this series has been helpful.

IF YOU ARE NEW TO THIS STORY, PLEASE START AT THE BEGINNING HERE – Part 1 – An Introduction

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