During the time of pain and depression, I asked myself “Is it all worth it? All this positive reinforcement training with the horses? Is it worth putting so much effort into four horses”. I’d put so much effort into working with Ducati. I told myself that other people wouldn’t have ‘fussed’ around. They would have just saddled him up – and off they would go!!!
That miserable voice was trying to tell me that I just couldn’t do it, I’d always fall off, give up now, stay safe and go back to knitting or something!!! That voice needed a name – it was fearful, whingey, condescending, superior, arrogant – and just plain nasty! I named it Madge. Now she had a name I could tell her to go away.
What did she want? “I’m protecting you” she said. I told her she wasn’t. She was telling me how useless I was. “At your age you shouldn’t be even trying to ride” she said. “Should you really have all those horses? Should you have any horses?? she continued. I thought Madge was probably right. “It’s just too much work!” she continued.
I had to agree – often I was exhausted after tending to the four horses… and the training sessions took a lot of concentration. Afterwards I spent time thinking about them – or reviewing video. It was all consuming.
And Saadi – his itch was a major concern. The previous summer had been exhausting – continually washing and mending horse rugs for him – and washing him and treating his itch. Each year it was getting worse – no matter what I used on him.
When I was sitting inside, I tried many times to tune into Ducati. I got nothing!!! Then one day I heard these words. I was asking him why he did that – why would he cause an accident that would hurt so much. I heard the words “You weren’t meant to go away – I had to stop you”. What??? I wasn’t meant to do my trip to UK?? Why? Was the plane going to crash??? I heard nothing else.
I was still attending appointments – and one of those was for a bone density test. When the results came back I was shocked I had osteoporosis. I’d had a test eight years previously, and hadn’t thought any more about it. Now I had brittle bones. I was horrified. What did this mean? Could I still handle the horses? Could I ever ride again? Having that diagnosis once again sent me on a path of despair.
My doctor put me on Prolia – an injection I have every six months. I’m hoping that is helping. I will know in another year or so when I go back for another bone density test. So I pondered on whether that was why Ducati had to stop me going away. Did I need to know about the osteoporosis? Surely not!!
Madge was doing a good job in my head. She was shouting! “Don’t move! Stay sitting in your chair! It’s the safest! You might fall over! Be careful! Those horses are dangerous!”…. I was scared of falling, scared of being knocked by one of the horses – I just felt stuck. I’d lost confidence in my body.
Someone had suggested I have some Feldenkrais sessions to help with healing. I thought that may be a good idea. I decided to contact the local Feldenkrais practitioner.
COMING UP – FELDENKRAIS – A PATH TO RECOVERY
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