8. A Good Death – And In The End….

Almost two weeks on, I find myself thinking about what it was like to touch them every day. How long will I remember Magnum’s thick fur coat, or the shape of his two distinct colours all over his body, the dark hair in the centre of his tail – surrounded by white. And his eyes, muzzle – what it was like to hold his head in my hands, to hug him and lay my head on his neck….

And Ducati…. his nicker, his chortles. He was so vocal – it’s so quiet without him. He was always up for a game. But most of all I will miss his words of wisdom – he will be remembered as the horse who first ‘spoke’ to me, and the one who always came through with good advice.

But now they have both been laid to rest, alongside Danny and Saadi, with a view to the Magic Tree.

The weeks of preparation for The Good Death paid off. Let me tell you how it went…

In the days leading up to their passing, I spent time undoing the mistakes I had made previously.

Asking Doug to enter the pen was a mistake, as Magnum had associated the needle I was giving him with Doug being in the pen and was nervous every day after. All I could do was hope that it would be okay on the day. I also spent some time brushing them, talking to them – and I trimmed their mane and tail, cutting some keepsake hair.

Those days leading up to the final day felt like an eternity. Each hour that passed were a mix of wanting the day to arrive and not wanting the day to arrive. I lay awake worrying about how Magnum would be. In those days Doug suggested that it wasn’t too late to pull out – I could leave it until next autumn. But I knew the time was right.

I wanted to tune into them before they passed and I didn’t know if I would be able to do that. The day before I asked if there were any final words. This is some of what they said:

Ducati:

The door is never closed – it will always be open a little. We will always see each other. I will knock on the door at times. You will know who it is.

What will you come back as?

I will not be a horse, but you will see me in spirit as a horse.

But Ducati – I don’t know enough!

You know more than enough. Hush now. Just let it be.

What will you be when you knock on the door?

You will be surprised!

I love you Ducati.

And I love you – I will always be by your side.

Magnum:

Don’t forget the apples for me!

I won’t! Magnum what will you be?

An old friend. I’m not coming back. I came for you. My job is now done.

How will I know when you are around?

l will be in your writings.

I love you Magnum.

And I you – my old friend – you have done well.

This chat with them helped me relax. They certainly seemed ready to go, but on the day I woke full of dread.

They first had their breakfast as usual. It was the last time we would do this. I stood watching them eat. Then when they finished I went inside to chop apples and carrots and get all the other bits and pieces organised. Oliver was arriving mid morning. I headed down in the car – as I had done so many times to get Magnum used to it – and to my surprise they were standing under the Magic Tree, seemingly waiting for me.

I gave them some hay to start, but they weren’t particularly interested – it was a struggle now for them to eat hay with no back teeth. While they were occupied I went into Magnum’s yard and filled the bucket with carrots and their usual training treat – low GI cubes. Doug carried down some water for each of them.

Magnum came across and I decided to take him into his yard. I headed back to wait for Oliver, sitting in the shade of the Magic Tree. I could feel my heart racing. There was nothing more to do now – other than to wait.

Oliver and Imogen finally arrived – along with a vet student. They parked in the other paddock – far away from us and the horses. Oliver knew Magnum so well and this is why I felt so blessed to have him come and do this for me.

Doug greeted them and brought the sedative injections over. Oliver would give it to Ducati after I had given Magnum his. This was my moment. Would Magnum stand still for the sedative? I entered the yard with my treat pouch full of apples and carrots. I noticed Magnum hadn’t eaten the carrot pieces – even though they were small – but he was so happy for the apple pieces! Lucky he had reminded me!

I went through a simulation of giving him the needle, with a click and treat for standing still. It went well, so with shaky hands I took the cap off the needle, tapped his neck as I had so often done, and injected the sedative, slowly. He stood still – calm and relaxed. It was done. I was elated. Now to see if it would take effect. He was known for having sedatives in the past in an attempt to get to his teeth where it had no effect whatsoever.

We headed back to the Magic Tree to sit and wait for the sedative to work. Ducati was out to it while Magnum was still nibbling at whatever was on the ground.

Gradually, I saw a change in Magnum. He stopped nibbling, and was then struggling to stand on his support leg. The sedative was working. It showed how much effort he had been putting in to holding himself up for the last couple of years. I was worried he may fall. But he held on – and then it was time for Oliver to administer the final IV dose.

We walked to the pen and Oliver instructed me to see if I could turn Magnum a little. I hoped that he wouldn’t fall on me. As I got him into position, it was time for me to stand outside the yard. I told Magnum once again that I loved him and then he actually leaned into Oliver while he gave the injection.

The moment a horse goes down is a heartbreaking moment for us humans – even though they are dead before they hit the ground. To see such a large animal go down is especially sad – in fact my heart felt like it could break.

Now it was Ducati’s turn. The process was repeated, with me telling him I loved him – and then he was down – and at peace.

Before Oliver left, I asked him to look in Magnum’s mouth for an estimate of his age. When Emma found him at the sale she guessed he was around 8 – and we had had him for 20 years. She was correct – Oliver put him at 27 to 29.

I thanked Oliver, Imogen and the vet student, hugged them all – and expressed my gratitude that they do this – day after day. We should all appreciate how much our vets do – and Oliver’s handling of Magnum – with such sensitivity and respect for a terrified horse – was outstanding. Thanks so much https://www.evds.vet/ You have no idea how much it meant to me that I could have you here at the end. I wish you never ending success with what you do.

As they finished up and drove out our gate onto their next appointment, the distant thunder was now very close. We covered the horses with old rugs and headed back to the house to wait for the storm to pass – and to wait for the digger.

The storm had arrived in earnest as we went inside for lunch. Everything felt unreal – and we sat and talked about the morning. Doug said to me “You were right – it wasn’t a minute too soon.” I asked what had changed his mind. He saw how Magnum could barely support himself once he was sedated and realised the effort he had put in when fully conscious.

I nodded. I said “Yes – I knew when I had last attempted to pick up his hooves. It was his way of telling me that it was time.”

That afternoon we headed back down to the paddock to wait for the digger to arrive. I watched from the Magic Tree while they were safely put into the earth – taking up position in front of Danny and Saadi. They were buried between rain showers – and that night it poured. I woke in the night to torrential rain and my first thought as usual was for the horses – but of course they no longer needed to suffer weather extremes or anything else.

I’ve had so many messages of support from near and far and want to thank all of you for your kindness.

And now I’m no longer a horse owner. The Long Road has come to an end – but what a journey! I’m so thankful for everyone I have met along the way. But my time owning horses is up. Now I will be writing my next two books about my whole journey of horse ownership.

I’m adding this video that I made a couple of years ago, when all the horses were well. We did have fun!

It is now almost two weeks since they passed. I now have stopped crying when I drive out of the property and look over at the Magic Tree – but I can’t go back into the paddock yet – or the horse shed. There is much to tidy up – but it can wait until I feel up to it.

It will take a while to feel settled, but I know that it will eventually happen.

Thanks to everyone who has followed this blog over the years. No doubt I may add to it at times – but now ends ‘The Good Death’ series. It WAS successful, the preparation was exhausting, but it was worth it. I can say that my four horses had a peaceful death and a happy life here. I looked after them to the best of my ability – and most importantly I found answers – not only how to train them – but answers from the horses themselves about life in general.

Best wishes to all!

The feature photo plus other photos were taken by Fiona Grace of Morgan-Grace Photography. Fiona offered to take some photos of the boys and came to visit a few days before they were put to sleep. They are a wonderful keepsake.