Part 11 – Frustration, Fear – and Regret…..

The next couple of years were extra busy.  Not only was I running a business – there were family demands – and still much to do on our property.  I still had nowhere to feed the horses, except at the top of the paddock – horse feed, rugs etc. lived on our verandah – and after my experience of  being flattened by Ducati, I had to be extra careful when I was out there managing rugs etc.

I continued to receive messages from Ducati – and during 2007/2008 I explored that some more. It became almost common place to me.  It was exciting – and I started ‘talking’ to horses of friends etc… but it still wasn’t advancing me with horse training.

The Parelli training was stop/start – and I have found my diary showing my frustration with this.  Should I just give up?  Why can’t I just talk to Ducati and not need ropes and sticks?  Why on earth did he run me over like that??? – and I did ask him that!  His answer ‘ I’m a horse!’  ‘That’s what we do!’  Well – that was helpful!!

I have constant diary entries – not only showing my Parelli notes, but also showing my frustration – with myself – because of such fear over this horse – who was now talking to me!!!  Even though we were communicating – I was still living in a physical world – and I just wanted to be able to ride him without feeling ill!!

 

 

Above is a  copy of some of my notes!!!  I have notes like this at the beginning of three years in a row –  then it says something like –  “Here I am again – starting Parelli once more!  Will I ever get it!  I’m so disappointed in myself.  I think I should give up if it doesn’t happen this year.  It’s like an impossible dream.  Each year I’m back to square one.  Ducati isn’t confident and neither am I……”

It was easier to focus on other things – and as for Magnum….I’d tried to  not think about what we had there – an untouchable horse just about – he jumped at anything – no one could touch him – his hooves were a mess – what if he gets sick – what if he needs treatment etc… I tried to block it from my mind.  It was fortunate that Magnum was such a hardy horse.  He was very content just to graze and come up for his two meals a day – as long as there were no dangers.  I would still put his bucket down and move away – otherwise he couldn’t put his head down to eat with me too close.  I knew to keep relatively quiet and not use fast movements.  Almost anything would set him off.

magnum 2nd blog

Was this the dream I had envisaged for myself now we had our property??  No!  Not at all!  And even though I’d had the wonder of Ducati and I communicating – I was still nervous of being on him – or even being around him if he was going to suddenly run over me!!!  What a fine mess I had gotten myself into!  At times I wished Emma had never seen these horses.

My original plan was to get all set up – then go and look for two quiet horses so I could plod along, on the trail,  with a friend.  That’s all that I wanted.  I didn’t ask to communicate with horses – or to know past life experiences.  I just wanted to be the average person enjoying a simple horse ride.  Was that too much to ask???

Obviously it was!!  Because life isn’t like that!  It takes you on directions you never planned and opens doors you didn’t know you needed to open!  What’s the famous John Lennon line? john lennon quote blog

So I realised that while I was insisting on keeping the Parelli door open – I had come to a standstill.   The Parelli door had offered all it could for me – I needed to see what else was out there – or at least find someone who was thinking along the same lines as me – that it was obvious by Ducati’s discussions that there had to be a much more equal partnership – while still staying safe!!  Was anyone else listening to the horses??  Yes – they were!

COMING UP –  IS ANYONE ELSE LISTENING???

IF YOU ARE NEW TO THIS STORY, PLEASE START AT THE BEGINNING HERE – Part 1 – An Introduction

PLEASE SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE FOR PREVIOUS BLOG POSTS

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