The next days were a blur…..  I was on strong painkillers and slept on and off.  Doug got the old recliner chair out for me.  It belonged to my mother and she’d had it since the 70s.  It was the only chair that was comfortable.  I dozed in it during the day – then endured the painful process of getting into bed at night.

I had to sleep on my back – and couldn’t move.  Each night I would wake up screaming as my back would go into cramping spasms.  Doug had to get up and help me move.

Doug also had to help me to the toilet, shower me  – and help me dress.  Daughter Emma was living with us at the time while she built a house, so she helped out too.  We had her two indoor cats living with us as well.  They were delighted that I stopped inside with them all the time!

Emma so kindly took this photo of me.  I’d just returned home from hospital!!!

glamour accident

One of the worst parts of the whole ordeal was having to attend fracture clinic!  You could be guaranteed to spend four to five hours there waiting to have an x ray – then waiting to been seen by the surgeons.  After the first visit they decided the break would heal on its own and wouldn’t need surgery.  That was good news!  But for the following four to five weeks  my arm was in a sling!

I realised I had to cancel my upcoming trip to UK in June – I had planned to visit my sister and attend Alexandra Kurland’s clinics there.  I was bitterly disappointed.

A week  or so after the fall I just really wanted to be close to the horses.  Doug took me to the stable and fed them there under my directions.  It was wonderful to touch them – to feel their breath.  After that, I was exhausted!

Two weeks after the fall, Doug was due to go on a five week trip to Brazil.  He was going to cancel it after I had the accident – but Emma and I assured him we would be fine.  So off he went.  Emma fed the horses, but was often working late – or through the night.   When she was absent, I managed to take them some hay by loading it onto a little trolley.  It was hard work as it was so painful – but they got their dinner!

I started to hobble around better  – finally I could manage the toilet and shower – and get into bed on my own – although that was still the worst part.  Some days were better than others – many days were spent dozing.  I was on my own for most of the time as Emma was also away – as well as working.

And this is when the depression started to rear its ugly head.  It hit home how dependent I was on others.  I hated not being able to drive, and I was sick of being in so much pain.  I assumed  I would be happy  to catch up on reading – but I wasn’t up to doing that.  I started eating… junk… to comfort myself – an old bad habit!

I thought a lot about the elderly in those dreadful nursing homes.  I thought about my mother.  Oh the pain she must have been in after those falls when they didn’t get her checked out.  Mainly, I thought about what the elderly would be thinking.  There was a way out for me – I was going to heal – but for them….. the only way out was death.  Who wants to be in pain and depressed at the end of your life!!!

I thought about the unfairness of life.  I was experiencing first hand what it was like to be helpless.  Try as I might – my brain had no room for positivity.  Each day was the same as the one before.  I wanted to curl up and die…..

It scared me I was thinking that….. I’d never sunk that low…  Was it just about the pain?  What was happening to me!!!




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